Christmas songs playing all over the mall while I went shopping .. The decorations that are unique in each mall has really brought everybody into the mood for Christmas and New Year. Looking at for a day of celebration it made people to prepare it a month before hand -- a feeling of overwhelm sweep me off my feet. It's that time of the year again. :)
I browsed through my archive and found an entry which I wrote what I've done in year 2005 and the changes I had in that year. Should I do it again for this year. It was a huge change in 2006, which ended rather regretful but, beautifully. Every year I hope I do better, try to impress more people than to disappoint them .. however life isn't such perfect and in a way I want it to be. Things happen, shit happened, and we move on taking it a lesson we learned along the pace. Grew alot in this year, seen alot too. "Life gets better" - when it was my lowest point in life, pissing myself off and questioning the kind of a person I am, someone said that to me. For my theme of "Life is a treasure, live it to the fullest" and "be ALIVE while you're alive", it does make an impact by stopping me to continuously think negatively and take a step forward. Stopping at the same spot does no good to myself. Who doesn't want a life to be remembered and meaningful to ownself, at least? Regretful as it is for things that happened, sorry as it is for people I'd turned down.. I am grateful that I am still valued by many. Utmostly I mean alot to someone, Couldn't ask for more than this..
Tend to think back alot during this time of the year.. I'm glad I still will take a break and think about it. Reviewing myself. Have I given enough? Have I contributed enough? Have I showed the people who are valuable to me how much I value them? Have I done the things I should to achieve something in life?
Things been changing since I started to open up and show my feelings to the people I care about. The most odvious are my family members and meeting with new faces. Dad has been softer and open up to chats and caring. Mom has been talking to me, even I came home late, a little chat does help to understand each other better and thus the love for each other gains. I try to take out time and really listen, be attentive to them while I still have the chance. Brother has been sharing his stuff to me too. I realize by taking the 1st step is really nothing to lose BUT to feel even greater. I sure hope I am dear to them in anyway. The same attitude I carry onto meeting new friends, and I feel so good having the smiles in return. The same attitude I carry onto my own friends, just to let them know I do care about them and love them much. Giving, not in a form of cash/presents, is something even harder to do because people don't open up... but why not?
I dont even know if the things I wrote making any sense to you :) Just some thoughts that crop up during working hr and yes I am writing away while working. LOL. And thought of expressing it while still in the mood :P Been valued much by a particular individual lately and yes I feel like.... Couldn't ask for anything more than this.. He gives me courage and support to think further in life of how I want it to be - achievement in career, achievement in family, achievement in r'ship. He gives me courage & boldness to even hope that he'll be there in my future --- this, I've never ever have a feeling like this before -- the feeling of wanted & treasured, and feel like giving the same in return. How promising and touching it is when the someone you really love and hope to have for life includes you into his future plans, can you see how much he values and loves you?
Used to think it's silly when talking about future in a relationship... perhaps it is the insecurity I felt last time. Didnt even think how future will be with the person I was being with. "Dont even know if we could still be together for another year...." I used to have a feeling like this.
And now, he who is certain touched my heart when he visualized his plans and how we can do it together hand in hand. It is a feeling of certainty. A feeling of togetherness. A feeling of acceptance. A feeling of belonging. A feeling of no matter what happens we will pass it if not gracefully, at least not alone. Looking into his eyes while he was talking about it, I can't help but doubting do I deserve this. Wanted to just slap myself to make sure it isn't a dream.
I just hope it lasts me for a life time..
I guess I'd found my constant wishes for Christmas this year and many years of it to come :)