Thursday, December 15, 2005

.: Christmas coming!! :.

As the year is ending everybody seems to think abit more.. What have I done throughout this year?

Alot of things had happened. Both sad and happy. Apart from graduating and jumped into the working world which made me plan what I want to have within my reach, financial management is a knowledge that I must learn. Feels like a grown up now - a real grown up. Studying life is always a protected one like I said. My family has done enough to give me a good life without worry about anything that I need. When you're out there, no one is backing you up and you just have to practise the attitude you've learned to avoid screwing up your boss that directly screwing back yourself.

I've nothing to complain though ... just wanna share something of what I've been seeing so far.

A big twist has happened this year and I'm glad it happened, at least I'll be glad in the future that it happened. I've been having a distance relationship for 9 months with a guy, Anjo who I havent even met but I decided to break it for the sake of myself, my family and my friends. It's not that it wasn't real, it was so real that I gave in and sank deeply into it. But I ended up missing so much of my life. I would be reluctant to go out on weekend because we can chat online and had our time. I would hope to go home fast when I was dining outside with family because he was waiting for me on the other line to spend time with me. I will imagine how nice if he was here when I saw something nice, ate something delicious, watching movie/listening songs and etc. At last I gave in too to give up the relationship we had. I've been very selfish to hurt someone whom I've loved so much like that. But I'm unable to tell myself how long I can go loving like that. Spiritual love is very great, even greater than I can bear. My family wasn't positive about it but they still gave their best blessing to me. Only sometimes my parents will ask "You should be out there with your friends, spend your time, not here.. dear" ..... Sad? It is the saddest for me to have to end it. Very painful. My friends didnt scold me stupid but supported me for as long as I'm happy, they said. When I told them I had to break it, they told me "I'm happy and glad that you're awake". A friend even said to me "No one can live in a fairy tale forever".

It's over... now... After all I've done to hurt him so much that it has become a pain in me. God still loves me so much that He granted me a guy who loves me with his entire heart. He who'd been keeping his feeling for more than 6 months has finally told me how he felt. A very silly guy who messed up his life with things that he shouldn't have touched and at the final cut he stopped and came up front to confess..... I believe in a Chinese phrase that means if you've done something bad, you will get it someday. I thought I will get it when I'm done hurting a guy who could stand having a spiritual relationship with me... But HE still send Edwin to me. In a way I've got all a girl could ever want - he loves unconditionally and I'm pampered to the utmost that I'll be spoiled to the rotten. I'm more afraid to lose him - guess this is the punishment I get. Can you understand the fear of losing something/someone that you never want to imagine the day to come? Yeah... that fear. Whatever it has become, I'm sure I'm happy and everybody around me especially my family and my closest friends are happy for me too. I'm finding back the balance again and I'm glad I didnt lose it far.

Christmas is coming.... Last Christmas's memory is still in my mind, it will forever be a memory. Now I'm more anticipating to celebrate it with my dear because .... you should be with someone you love on Christmas, right? And be loved in return....... :)

Merry Christmas everyone. :)


Joo said...

is urs then is urs...not urs force also no use....

Wish u have a wonderfull Christmas with ur dear...hehe^^ :P also wish ur family Happy Christmas in advace~*

Wimal said...

I'm surprised that this was posted since I had no idea of the relationship. However, since I do not know much and believe that you are the one who knows the relationship and yourself the best, you let yourself decide and no one else. Advice can be heard but not necessarily accepted. Do what you need to be happy. :)

Abit confused...whos edwin?

Anyway, even if you want to let it go but it's hard,dun worry coz it's normal. No point living in the past when there's so much happening in the present. :) Keep smiling Jae and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

P.S: I wonder if Santa will send me a Porsche. :P

Jae said...

Thx Joo.

Wimal: Edwin is my dear la! Not from our class or any intake that you might know! Hehehehehe thanks for the advice, advice can be heard and considered also be applied if it's good for urself most importantly. Ey, pura-pura ask that question to ur parents see how they react!! They will roll eyes!!! hahahaaa :D

Anonymous said...

ahahah babe all the best and the wishes for ya ... all the way from penang :) well, any plan on christmas?

if u come over penang .. give me a call alright ..

Jae said...

my dear babe, how am I gonna give u a call when I'm not even sure what number to call? What's ur current number la?